Overcoming Approach Anxiety

Approach anxiety is a common challenge for many people, though it was never a major issue for me personally. I’ve always tackled my fears head-on, which might explain why approach anxiety never held me back significantly. However, I understand that for others, this anxiety can be quite debilitating, preventing them from approaching women or starting conversations with new people.

In my experience as a coach, I’ve worked with men who were initially terrified of approaching women. Over time, with practice, they learned to overcome their fears. While mental shifts, like viewing interactions as opportunities rather than threats, are crucial, they take time. Instead of focusing solely on changing your mindset, practical steps can be more effective in the short term.

Here are some actionable strategies to help you overcome approach anxiety and start meeting new girls:

1. Reframe Your Perspective: Instead of seeing women as intimidating figures, try to view them as potential friends or interesting individuals. This shift in perspective can reduce the pressure and make interactions feel more natural.

2. Start with Low-Stakes Interactions: Begin by practicing small talk in everyday situations, such as with cashiers, baristas, or colleagues. These low-pressure interactions can help you build confidence gradually.

3. Set Small Goals: Aim to approach a certain number of people each week. Start with one or two interactions and gradually increase the number as you become more comfortable.

4. Prepare and Practice: Have a few conversation starters or icebreakers ready. Practice these with friends or in front of a mirror to help you feel more prepared when the time comes.

5. Embrace Rejection: Understand that rejection is a natural part of the process. Each rejection is a learning opportunity and a chance to improve your approach. Try to view it with a positive mindset rather than as a personal failure.

6. Build a Routine: Incorporate these interactions into your daily life. Regular practice will make approaching others feel more routine and less intimidating over time.

7. Seek Support: If possible, find a friend or join a social group that can provide encouragement and practice opportunities. Sometimes, having a supportive buddy can make a big difference.

By following these practical steps, you can gradually overcome approach anxiety and start meeting new people more comfortably. It’s about building confidence and making interactions feel less daunting through consistent practice and a positive mindset.

Making a Commitment

When I first began lifting weights back in high school, I read a book called Body-for-LIFE by a guy named Bill Phillips. There was a section in the book where Bill talked about the first 12 weeks of exercising; that during those first 12 weeks, you will want to quit, you will want to cancel your scheduled exercise session, and try to tell yourself you’d do it tomorrow or the next day. But you couldn’t; you simply had to push through those first 12 weeks, or you’d never make it. To be successful in building your body for life, you needed to endure. And after those 12 weeks were over, you’d be used to it, it wouldn’t be a big deal anymore, and exercise would simply be a part of your life and a routine that you stuck to.

Well, Bill was right. Those first 12 weeks back when I was 16 years old were incredibly tough. I’d be tired, and start dreading having to go and spend an hour lifting really heavy hunks of metal up and down, over and over again. Every set was a pain to endure – each one I’d feel like there would be no way I could finish. Sometimes I’d miss a workout, and I’d force myself to exercise the next day, instead. But it was brutal, and I never wanted to do it, and I hated doing it.

Then, after those first 12 weeks had passed, I realized that, hey, exercise didn’t seem quite as dreadful anymore as it originally did. I’d gotten used to it and it’d just become something I did.

And eventually, farther down the road, I actually came to enjoy lifting weights. I never would’ve believed it when I first started out, but I came to take pleasure and pride out of my discipline, the body I’d shaped for myself, and the feeling of working on myself in a way that was making myself better for the future.

Approaching women consistently can be one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences. Committing to actively pursue new connections for at least 12 weeks is crucial. This period is often the hardest, but it’s essential for making significant progress. If you want women in your life, you have to take the initiative—they won’t just come to you.

Many guys express a desire to start but struggle to make it a reality. The commitment doesn’t require an overwhelming amount of time—just 6 hours a week can make a difference. For instance, you could spend 3 hours on a Friday night at a local bar or nightclub and another 3 hours over the weekend at a mall or bookstore. Regular practice is key to steady improvement.

When I first dedicated myself to this process, I started going out 3 to 4 nights a week and also made an effort to meet women during the day. The first 12 weeks were intense and emotionally draining. I often felt like a failure or a champion, depending on my latest experiences. But as time went on, approaching women became a more natural part of my routine. It became less daunting to go out alone and strike up conversations.

The key is to commit to this journey and hold yourself accountable. Without this commitment, time will pass without any progress. Embrace the challenge, stay consistent, and watch as your confidence and results improve.

Acclimating to Approaching

Once you’re going out actively, the major hurdle you’ll have to overcome is approach anxiety. Overcoming approach anxiety is a little difficult because, well, you’re facing a fear. But that in and of itself gives you a tactic you can use to make things easier.

When you recognize yourself hesitating, I recommend you tell yourself that you’re going to overcome this fear, and that the only way you’re going to do so is by confronting it head on. Then, go confront it. Defiantly confronting your fear can feel far more rewarding than going up to talk to some random girl you don’t even know early on purely for the sake of it. It gives you a mission; you’re not just meeting girls – you’re overcoming your fears and becoming a stronger, more able man.

Later on down the road, once the fear is no longer an issue, you will be able to approach women simply because you want to and you think they’re pretty and you want to get to know them. So long as approach anxiety remains an issue for you, though, you must get in the habit of getting a little annoyed at yourself for feeling that way, then taking action to get rid of the feeling.

The only way you get rid of approach anxiety is by approaching.

With time, your brain realizes that getting turned down by girls isn’t so bad. Your reputation doesn’t get destroyed; your family doesn’t disown you; you’re not incapable of ever meeting another woman again because that girl you stopped once on the street paid you no mind. You start to realize that there are virtually no long-term negative consequences to not succeeding with a woman – but tons of lessons. Every failure, if accurately assessed, helps you get better and more successful the next time around.

To get yourself acclimating to approaching, I recommend you follow the following steps:

• Get a routine. If you don’t have a routine yet, or specific venues you really like going and feel comfortable meeting women in, check out the free Girls Chase eBook Finding Your Niche. You need to build meeting women into being a routine for yourself, and particularly early on, it can be a lot easier once you’ve done some exploring and figured out where your favorite places to meet new women are. Once you know them, set certain times of the week aside as your times exclusively to go out and meet women – schedule it into your life, and make sure you’re dressed, ready, and on time for your outings.

• Set goals. Goal setting helped me a great deal early on: setting small, achievable goals to go out and accomplish. When I first started, I had goals like, “Talk to three random girls,” and I was not allowed to go home until I’d accomplished them. Next I added goals like, “Use more screening and qualifying,” and, “Use more playful banter,” then goals like, “Kiss one girl,” and, “Invite two girls home.” Goals like this will force you to learn, be active, and get yourself in motion. Choose goals that feel challenging for you and are close to the limit of what you’re currently capable of, but that also feel achievable. You want to be moving in small steps – obviously, “Take a girl home tonight,” is going to be overly ambitious if you’re still just getting used to meeting new women. Keep your goals achievable, and you’ll challenge yourself to consistently improve.

• Track your progress. Also helpful to me early on was progress tracking. I put together a spreadsheet tracking how many nights I went out, how many phone numbers I got, how many first dates I went on, how many new girls I kissed, and how many new girls I slept with, and I even set it up to have a chart that automatically updated as I updated the chart. It basically made me start competing with myself – I wanted to be performing at a higher level than the month before, which meant I had to work harder and get more done. Sometimes I’d be about to just stay in, and I’d take a look at that chart and get annoyed at myself for being about to fall behind, and I’d go out anyway. Which brings us to the final point:

• Go out even when you don’t want to. This is a topic that’s probably deserving of its own post outright. Nights you don’t want to go out but go out regardless can sometimes be the best nights you have. Two of the greatest girlfriends of my life I met on nights I almost didn’t go out because I didn’t feel like it. You will sometimes learn more on days and nights you don’t want to go out than you will on nights you do, because you’re in a more thoughtful mood and not flying on an excitement-fueled autopilot like you tend to be during the times you really want to go out. This is why routines and motivators like progress tracking are so important – you need to be going out regardless how you feel. Oh, whoops, that actually wasn’t the final point – there’s one more:

• Approach and meet women. You have to do it. Get started early in the night and build some social momentum and you’ll be fine. But if you want to overcome approach anxiety, the way you’re going to do it is by approaching women, no two ways about it.

I wish I could tell you there's a quick fix for fear, but the reality is there isn’t one (unless you’re considering something extreme like a lidocaine shot to the cerebellum—let's skip that for obvious reasons). The only reliable method to overcome fear is to face it head-on. Confronting your fear is the only way to truly eliminate it.

The good news? Once you’ve tackled your fear of meeting women, it doesn’t tend to return with the same intensity, as long as you keep engaging with women periodically. At first, you might feel a slight hesitation, but soon that inner voice will shift from telling you to back off to encouraging you to go for it. Funny how that works, isn’t it?