Going Out Alone to Meet Women

It’s often said that people fear public speaking more than death itself, with Seinfeld humorously adding that at a funeral, people would prefer to be in the coffin rather than giving the eulogy.

But I’d argue there’s something even more daunting: approaching beautiful women, especially when you’re out alone without the support of friends or “wingmen.”

I remember my first solo outing to meet women. Just the idea made me anxious, despite knowing it was a great way to build confidence and social skills.

As soon as I left the house, I realized I was hungry and decided to grab a bite. While waiting for my food, I recognized this as a classic case of creative avoidance—I was making excuses to delay facing my fear.

When I finally left the restaurant, my nerves intensified. I ended up so anxious that I couldn’t even ask someone for the time, let alone strike up a conversation.

Thank God I’ve long since overcome this hurdle, but the question is…

…WHY In The World Is This SO Difficult?

There doesn’t seem to be a reason why it should be, right? We’ve all talked to strangers before… we’ve all been out of the house alone before. And rationally, we know that nothing bad is going to happen. It’s not like a girl is going to beat us up!

In fact, I have a friend who’s a Navy SEAL and he once said in frustration: “Man! I’m a WARRIOR! I’ve seen live combat in jungles and deserts and stuff! WHY am I afraid of these LITTLE GIRLS?!”

A more obvious reason is that when you’re going out alone, you don’t have psychological “backup”… because while your rational mind knows that nothing bad is going to happen, your emotions evolved in a tribal and far more hostile environment. Approaching strangers, especially alone, was not unlikely to result in… DEATH!

Second, it is really difficult to get (and stay) in an extroverted, fun and talkative state when you’re out alone. The human mind specializes in whatever it has been doing for a while, and if you spend half an hour or more without talking to anybody, it’s very easy to get quite literally “stuck” in your head.

With friends on the other hand, it’s easy to stay chatty and just transfer that conversational “momentum” to the next girl you meet!

I was never willing to accept this. Surely there HAD to be a way? Isn’t it possible to become that “ideal self” that we dream of being… the man who can just walk around town on his own, or show up in clubs without any friends, and within a few minutes he’s meeting new people, making new friends, and chatting up girls… without any fear, approach anxiety, or hesitation?

Well… YES!

The good news is there ARE ways to deal with this problem. In fact, many of the greatest ladies’ men I know (myself included), went from shy introvert to seduction superstars by practicing. But of course you have to know what to practice!

STATE'S Impact on Going Out Alone

As mentioned above, the problem is entirely psychological… more specifically, it’s a question of state. When we get into introverted states… or God forbid, even bad states where negative thought loops start running around our head, there are two ways to deal with this.

One is to develop state control… the other is to develop state independence.

State Control means that we proactively do things to improve our state. Replaying successful interactions we’ve had with beautiful girls in the past (or any positive memory, really) is one way of doing this… it takes your mind off negative thoughts, because the human brain cannot hold two different thoughts at one time.

Another thing that really helps is to change your posture, your breathing and your facial expression. Walking, talking and moving with an air of confidence quickly triggers actual feelings of confidence inside you.

State Independence on the other hand means that we learn to be unaffected by our state… so that even if our thoughts and emotions aren’t entirely positive and we’re not in the ideal head space, we don’t let it affect us.

The best way to do this is to turn our attention away from our internal dialogue – the thoughts running through our head – and outward, to the environment, the present moment, the things going on around us.

Walk around with a keen alertness and observe every detail of your environment… this shuts off all negative thought loops and makes it easier to interact with the world… including the beautiful women you see.

Who Needs Old Friends…

When you find yourself heading out alone because your friends are opting for a TV night, there’s a strategic move you can make: quickly connect with new people. Going solo doesn’t mean you have to stay solo!

Start by building a social safety net as soon as you enter the bar, club, or venue. Engage with approachable folks right away. You don’t need to target the most standoffish groups initially; focus on those who seem open to interaction.

Maybe you spot a group of guys engrossed in the game—make a comment to break the ice. Or perhaps you notice some girls who are laughing and welcoming, even if they’re not your type. You could also strike up a conversation with another solo attendee, asking about the night, the band, or recommendations for other spots in town.

Don’t let being alone hold you back. Stay positive, keep your energy high, and immerse yourself in the moment. By initiating conversations right away, you’ll quickly shift from being alone to having a vibrant social circle.